Training and Resilience

Since I was a Cadet at North Georgia College I have never new when to let my body rest after injury. Exaggerated stories of me maxing the two mile run with a cast on my leg are still in circulation. Enduring pain has always been something I could do, this is who I am and what I am about. This is why I am pushing my body to knew heights despite the pain. But recently I have come to realize that pure grit is useful during a race (and definitely in Combat) but it is not the way to conduct a training. I started on the road to high endurance races because after I  completed a trail 25K I experienced my first night of peace. On the Trail itself I felt my body start breaking down and became incredibly weak (I foolishly ran a 10K with Rachel and sprained my ankle early in the race) but I refused to except this ran through it. After that sleeping was easy for a while. It gave me hope that no matter how bad things get, I can just refuse to except defeat and move on with my life.
Pushing on despite vertigo, dizziness and my eyes blurring has become almost normal but recently there has been no satisfaction after a long work out. Last night during a nightmare I kicked Rachel and I have been thrashing about in my sleep constantly. I was training for this weekend's Maine Adventure Race and it did little to help me during the night, as it did before. Like usual I stepped up the physical challenges by doing over four hours of cross training on Tuesday. I have been almost useless mentally and physically since.
A student in Ranger school simply sucks it up and moves out every time, no matter what. This is what perseverance has come to mean to me. Maybe to truly persevere I need to learn to relax and enjoy life without having  kill myself physically.
I am always going to kill myself physically. Come on, I am that stupid kid in military school who took of an air cast to take a APFT. I always enjoy spending time at home and on the road with Rachel. But maybe to reach these new heights and to get the sleep I need to push myself to knew heights physically I need to except my current lot in life and learn to relax at work.